I Carry You In My Heart

The night after the hospital I found myself awake in bed. My husband sleeping beside me, exhausted emotionally and physically. I laid in my childhood room with only the orange glow of the streetlights coming in through the skylight window, and the bright light of my iPhone screen.

I milled through how I might process my new reality. No longer planning to for the baby’s arrival, I was left adrift.

On reflex I opened the Pinterest app and searched “miscarriage.” I had no plan for what I might find… I didn’t really know what I was looking for.

Something, anything.

I scrolled through the inspiring messages accompanied by images of love and remembrance, I familiarized myself with the vocabulary for my new life. Angel baby, Pregnancy loss, rainbow babies…

I was looking for something not knowing what. Something to do, some way to find closure. Some way to honor the spirit of the baby that never came to be. I searched “miscarriage remembrance.”

Unable to find a gesture that felt right, I scrolled through the many charms that popped up in the search feed.

Many seemed inappropriate to our experience. Little feet charms with hearts and angel wings felt wrong for us. I kept scrolling, until I found this charm from Tag You’re It Jewelry on Etsy.

 

It took me a minute to figure out why the charm looked different in person, then I realized the pin image is slight different than the image on the etsy page it links to... I was a little disappointed at first that I hadn't seen the difference. It is still a very nice charm to wear and remember our little one with.
It took me a minute to figure out why the charm looked different in person, then I realized the pin image is slight different than the image on the Etsy page it links to… I was a little disappointed at first that I hadn’t seen the difference. It is still a very nice charm to wear and remember our little one with.

I cried. This felt true. This spoke to our early term miscarriage. We were preparing to be parents, and all we have to carry now is heavy hearts.

The next day on the plane back to Michigan, Brian and I discussed things we can do to honor, remember, and grieve. We made plans to make a private gesture together.

I kept remembering the charm and thinking to myself, “I will carry you in my heart forever.” When we landed at DTW I ordered the charm.

A token. Something to remind me of the love I felt as I carried you. Something to help me remember you always.

TagYourItCharm_ReadySetSarahBlog.jpg

 

Pregnancy Reflections: Weeks 8-9

A week ago our hopes were dashed when I miscarried at 12 weeks pregnant. I am still processing and grieving the loss. Sharing what I wrote during my few weeks as an expectant mom is how my baby-that-never-came-to-be will live on for me. The memories and the dreams are what we’ll have from this experience. That is all we are left with.

Weeks 8-9
It’s funny the way any pressure on my belly has become so uncomfortable, even from early on. This week I finally got over my embarrassment that I am just barely fitting my jeans and I made the switch to unzipped pants with a belly band. Hilarity ensued (don’t try playing ping pong in pants held up loosely by a belly band). Just before week 9 I took the early plunge into pregger jeans to avoid flashing people. I got one pair from Target and I’m now living in them.

I received a care package from my mom with another belly band, button extenders and some other pregnancy/mama pampering things. It made me happy to see the Amazon box waiting for me when I got home, full of thoughtful gifts from the Grandma-to-be. ūüôā

I started my new job, which is enough change on it’s own, let alone all the excitement of preparing for baby! We spend our evenings (when I have the energy to do anything) discussing the plans for finding a new doctor with my new insurance, how and where we’ll have the birth, what we’ll do in those first months after the baby arrives, what names we like, all of the wonderful/confusing/joyous things that lay ahead.

I’ve started vision boards for boy and girl nurseries (I want to start decorating already! We haven’t even moved yet). They are secret boards on Pinterest until the little one gets here. I can’t wait to bring the room to life! I can already picture the late nights and wee hours of the morning spent in the dimly lit and cozy room, cuddling and staring at the little one with wonder and love. I want it to be a soothing place for me, but a joyful place for a little one to eventually play and make memories.

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Going to Mom2Mom consignment sales with my friend who is 6 months pregnant has taken on a whole new meaning now that I know I am pregnant as well. I’ve been collecting clothes for my little niece for a while, but now I scan the tables laden with adorable baby fashion and fantasize about what I’ll buy when we know whether baby is a he or she (there are plenty of gender neutral things I love too, but I want to hold off until we know). I love being part of this new-to-me world of motherhood and family. It feels like where I have always wanted to be.

Daddy and I are super excited and can’t wait to find out who you are, little one. What will you look like? What kinds of things will you like? Do you love music? Do you have strawberry blonde hair and green eyes? That’s what I’ve been guessing. Are you a little boy or girl? A friend who doesn’t yet know we’re pregnant dreamt she was playing with our baby boy. She dreamt he was a red headed and rambunctious boy. Maybe it’s a sign??

I’ve been waking up very early, which is unlike me. It could be that I’m so exhausted that I could fall asleep at 8pm some nights, or it is the hormones waking me up at 5:30am or 6am everyday like clockwork. I love it. I’ve always wanted to be a morning person!

I’ve had some pretty intense pregger dreams though. The last one was about breastfeeding and pumping (and house hunting…). Only in the dream my left boob was the only one that worked! Not pleasant. The left was big and full, but the right seemed flat and empty. It was such a real feeling dream.

We told a few close friends, our siblings and family this week, but still only a handful. I’m excited for when people will know and be able to see the belly as it grows!

Muffins, Mimosas & Football

Weekends, the best of days.

What more are Sundays for than long walks with your pup, baking, and watching football? It may be early fall (or technically late summer) but we are settling in to Michigan’s finest season in style. Yesterday my alma mater #BeatND while we watched from my sister-in-laws birthday dinner celebration. Today, we are watching our Detroit Lions in style while enjoying delicious healthy muffins and even more delicious Mimosas. Ah weekends, I love you so.

Cockapoo Brinkley Says GO BLUE! (image by Ready Set Sarah)
Cockapoo Brinkley Says GO BLUE! (image by Ready Set Sarah)

Before the game today we took Brinkley for a long walk around the neighborhood. We had planned on putting her in her Lions jersey, but discovered that she is nearly twice the size she was last football season and will definitely need a new Jersey this year. I mean, a girl needs a jersey if she is going to watch football with her daddy, right?

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Baby Brinkley in her Lions Jersey

Sunday’s are usually my meal prep day for the week (when I’m being good). So I spent the¬†beginning¬†of todays game making Banana Oatmeal Breakfast muffins that I discovered on ¬†Pinterest (here). I’ve made them once before and they taste and smell amazing! Full disclosure they stick to the muffin liners but are delicious enough that I don’t really mind. I used Trader Joe’s Gluten Free rolled oats and I added pecan pieces and some cocoa powder to personalize the recipe. They are serious yum.

Banana Oatmeal Muffins (Image by Ready Set Sarah)
Banana Oatmeal Muffins (Image by Ready Set Sarah)

To top off this relaxing afternoon, Brian suggested we pop open some wedding celebratory Champaign and make Mimosas.¬†I’m telling you, these muffins pair very well with orange juice and Champaign. Happy Sunday and Happy Football day!

XOXO,

Sarah

Wedding Planning at the Airport

I’m headed to Atlanta for the week for what I hope will be an awesome health communication conference. Exciting right?

After nearly missing my flight due to takeoff time confusion (you mean my flight is at noon? Not 2pm? Crap!!!) and a harrowing drive from Royal Oak to DTW; I made it to my seat just in time to learn the plane was broken. Sad. face. Sarah.

We sat patiently on the plane as our takeoff went from 12pm to 1:30, then from 1:30 to 3pm… They finally let us off to get food only to ask us to get back on the plane to grab our stuff and head to the other side of the airport. And now, as I wait for a 5pm flight to Atlanta what else should I do but plan my wedding?

Thank you Delta. Thanks.

So- here are some inspiration boards I have been piecing together with Picstitch using images I have found on Pinterest. Here is a link to my pinterest board where you can find links to all of the image sources (these are not my images).

Bridesmaids and Groomsmen (Images from multiple sources, see Pinterest here)

I really want a warm feel for the wedding, classy but not uptight. We chose a¬†Wtoo¬†bridesmaid dress¬†Macadamia (tan/champaign colored) for my ladies, which means the men will be in rich navy blue suits instead of tan linen as Brian had hoped…. But I think it looks fabulous!

Since more than half of our guests will be coming from out-of-state (the wedding is in Berkeley, CA where I’m,¬†from Brian’s from Michigan) I want to draw in a few little nods to our home states. One of the ideas I’ve had for this is to find vintage travel postcards for Michigan and California cities to use in place of table numbers. Brian says if we do this the bridal party is sitting at “Detroit“. I’m down with that.

Greetings from California- Image from here
Greetings from Detroit (Image from here)

My mother and I both love cobalt blue glass. I thought it would be cool to make our centerpieces from little clusters of different size and shaped blue glass containers (bottles, vases, pitchers, jars), and to fill them with fluffy flowers like peonies and vintage roses in white, pale yellow and pale orange. Like this-

Potential table settings for the wedding (Images via Pinterest)

Oh look, now the sign says 6pm takeoff. I’ll be done planning before I reach Atlanta at this pace! Ok, I was nearly done already, but you’ve got to look for silver linings right? Thank goodness for iPhones and charging stations.

I’m really liking how the blues, yellows, golds, oranges and tans are all coming together. It will all go nicely with my dress which we found when my mom was in town last week! It’s a stunner if I might say so myself… and it is much more dramatic than I ever would have thought I’d choose. Since I can’t show off the dress, I’ll just share a few pics from the dress shopping adventure.

My dress shopping crew! Mom, Bride (me with raccoon eyes), Bridesmaid Teja (Image by Ready Set Sarah)

I ended up falling in love with the first dress I pulled off the rack and tried on a The Wedding Shoppe on Woodward. It was meant to be! The consultant, Natalie, at the Wedding Shoppe was awesome. I would definitely recommend her if you are looking for a wedding dress in the Detroit area. When we went back to take pictures of the dress the next day I noticed the adorable sign welcoming the brides with appointments! I’m the first one on the list!

The welcome sign for ladies with appointments at the shop. (Image by Ready.Set.Sarah)

Update- I finally made it to my hotel in Atlanta at 10pm… that’s a 12 hour travel day for what should have been a 2 hour flight. I could have driven here at that rate and seen a whole lot more of the country!

12 hours and 13 minutes drive from Detroit to Atlanta? I’ll take it (Image by Ready.Set.Sarah)