I Carry You In My Heart

The night after the hospital I found myself awake in bed. My husband sleeping beside me, exhausted emotionally and physically. I laid in my childhood room with only the orange glow of the streetlights coming in through the skylight window, and the bright light of my iPhone screen.

I milled through how I might process my new reality. No longer planning to for the baby’s arrival, I was left adrift.

On reflex I opened the Pinterest app and searched “miscarriage.” I had no plan for what I might find… I didn’t really know what I was looking for.

Something, anything.

I scrolled through the inspiring messages accompanied by images of love and remembrance, I familiarized myself with the vocabulary for my new life. Angel baby, Pregnancy loss, rainbow babies…

I was looking for something not knowing what. Something to do, some way to find closure. Some way to honor the spirit of the baby that never came to be. I searched “miscarriage remembrance.”

Unable to find a gesture that felt right, I scrolled through the many charms that popped up in the search feed.

Many seemed inappropriate to our experience. Little feet charms with hearts and angel wings felt wrong for us. I kept scrolling, until I found this charm from Tag You’re It Jewelry on Etsy.

 

It took me a minute to figure out why the charm looked different in person, then I realized the pin image is slight different than the image on the etsy page it links to... I was a little disappointed at first that I hadn't seen the difference. It is still a very nice charm to wear and remember our little one with.

It took me a minute to figure out why the charm looked different in person, then I realized the pin image is slight different than the image on the Etsy page it links to… I was a little disappointed at first that I hadn’t seen the difference. It is still a very nice charm to wear and remember our little one with.

I cried. This felt true. This spoke to our early term miscarriage. We were preparing to be parents, and all we have to carry now is heavy hearts.

The next day on the plane back to Michigan, Brian and I discussed things we can do to honor, remember, and grieve. We made plans to make a private gesture together.

I kept remembering the charm and thinking to myself, “I will carry you in my heart forever.” When we landed at DTW I ordered the charm.

A token. Something to remind me of the love I felt as I carried you. Something to help me remember you always.

TagYourItCharm_ReadySetSarahBlog.jpg

 

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7 thoughts on “I Carry You In My Heart

  1. What makes a mother? I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today. I asked what makes a mother? And i know i heard him say. A mother has a baby this we know is true. But God can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you? Yes you can, he replied with confidence in his voice. I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some i send for a lifetime, and others for a day, and some i send to feel your womb but there’s no need to stay. I just dont understand this God i want my baby to be here. He took a deep breath and cleared his throat, and then i saw a tear. I wish i could show you, what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with all the other children and say… we go to earth to learn our lessons, of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much i got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom, who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly my mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much, but i visit her every day, and when she goes to sleep, on her pillows where i lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear, mommy dont be sad today im your baby and im near. So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay. Your babies are born in my home, and this is where they’ll stay. They’ll wait for you with me, until your lesson’s through. And on the day you come home, they’ll be at the gates for you.
    So now you see what makes a mother, its the feeling in your heart. its the feelings you had so much of right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother, until their time is done. They’ll be up here with me one day and know your the best one!

  2. Pingback: The Day that Almost Was | Ready. Set. Sarah.

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