Take Each Day

There is just SO MUCH ANTICIPATION during the pregnancy journey.

When will we get pregnant?
When can I test? Is it too early?

When will I start to really show? I just look bloated!

Are we going to make it to 12 weeks?
Can we find out the gender yet?

It’s going to take FOREVER to get to the 3rd trimester.

Oh my goodness, how will I ever wait 7 more weeks?

Wait, ONLY 7 more weeks? How will we ever be ready?

It’s a constant dialogue with myself, overly excited and impatient mixed with a little fear of what each new step and milestone might bring. During our first pregnancy I could barely contain myself. My impatience constantly got the better of me and I was counting down the days till we would be 12 weeks and could tell everyone. I sometimes would wish we could jump to November and meet the little one right away.

After we lost the first and discovered we were pregnant again, I decided that this time I would try harder to be present in each and every day. To appreciate each moment in the journey, not wishing for it to pass more quickly, or longing for the end — or even the next week. It’s been tough, but amazingly it has also helped the time fly by. Each time I find myself longing for the next milestone, I quickly remember that I’d rather enjoy today. The next step isn’t promised, and today is where I am.

That may sound a bit morbid, but it actually has been a beautiful and helpful way to experience things… Particularly when I’m uncomfortable.

Now that we are in the final months there are moments that I can’t help but wish for the hip stretching and lower back pain to just go away. I think about how much I wish we could be at due day already so that I could have my little one in my arms…. but I’m always brought back to remembering how grateful I am that I’m able to have these experiences. I still have fears about whether we’ll really ever get to meet her. I would rather be uncomfortable now and wait for the right time, than wish the time away and take it for granted.

Today I am 33 weeks and 2 days. Sure, I immediately started counting down the days until she will be big enough for a safe full term delivery… but then I stop myself. These last 7 weeks are going to be some of the hardest to get through patiently, but they are important. With patience we WILL get through them one way or another. Now more than ever I need to remember to stay present in each day, to not look forward to next week, never being satisfied with how far we ARE.

The more I focus on today, each day, the faster the journey to Feb 26th will be.

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A lesson in patience this Mother’s Day

Patience while waiting until we were ready to start trying (I was practically born ready)
Patience as we waited to see that second pink line each month
Patience knowing it would be 9 months before we could meet our little one.
Patience waiting for the first trimester to be over share our happy news.

Patience now, waiting to be ready to try again. Wanting a little one with us now.

Patience, patience, patience.

This whole experience has been a lesson in patience. I’ve always wanted to be a mom. Waiting until I was “allowed” (allowing myself) to try to get pregnant took patience. And now it seems we are back at square one.

Rabbi Corey (who officiated our wedding and was a huge support during our wedding year) sent us an email this week checking in on how we are doing as Mother’s day approached. He shared an article about facing Mother’s Day after pregnancy loss, written by a Rabbi who experienced not one, but two miscarriages. You can read the article here. I connected with some of what she said in the article, mostly with the last lines:

“I don’t know what I want or what I need this week. Who am I kidding? With Mother’s Day around the corner, I just want to be a mom.” –Rabbi Robyn Fryer Bodzin

I feel like this is my first Mother’s Day understanding what it really means to live for someone else, to give over your body for their life, to love them harder than you ever thought you could… even without knowing them… even if they weren’t “real”.

Maybe I’ll be an emotional wreck all day. Maybe I’ll be fine. I don’t expect other people to stop celebrating just because I’m sad, but I do wish we were celebrating too. Instead, we’re celebrating our own mothers, and milling over our experience of almost being a mom and dad… I know we can get beyond this. I trust it will happen for us some day (fingers crossed).

But like the Rabbi said, I just want to be a mom.

Until then, Happy Mother’s Day to all of the incredibly lucky, hard working, strong loving mamas out there.

Remember, today and everyday, how lucky you are that you have the great joy of holding your little ones and watching them grow. It is truly a miracle when a child comes into the world. We take it for granted that there so many, but it really is a miracle each and every time.

Happy Mother's Day to my sweet loving mama.

Happy Mother’s Day to my sweet, loving mama.